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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I peed my pants. I literally peed. on. myself.

Whomp, there it is.  Me, in all my glory.  This is what my life has come to.  Two degrees, small business owner, wife and mother of 2, and now I will only be known as The Urinator.  I accept defeat WORLD!! YOU WIN!  I peed the fight right out of me.  How did I find myself in such a situation, you ask?  Well, pardon the pun but it all started because I was pissed.  Literally and figuratively.  Let's take a look back, shall we?...~cue wobbly screen and Mike Meyers~ "biddily-doo, biddily-doo, biddily-doo".

So there I was, waiting on the refrigerator repairman for visit # 14.  I. kid. you. not.  And if you are saying, "Shari!  There's a lemon law!  Insist on a new refrigerator!!", then I need you to give me your address so that I can come over and punch you in the face.  Don't worry, I won't stay long.  I'll just ring the bell, you'll answer, PUNCH, back in my car, and I'm gone.  I do not have the strength to go into the entire story w/ you, just like I didn't have the strength to tell repairman # 8 what was wrong w/ my fridge.  I told him, "You are not Kevin.  Kevin is my repairman.  He knows what is wrong.  Last time they sent Robert.  Robert had to call Kevin because he knows what is wrong.  Robert didn't know.  He called Kevin.  Robert and Kevin spent 2 1/2 hours trying to fix it.  Needed another part. Kevin said he would come back because he knows what's going on.  You do not.  I will not tell you what is going on for fear of flying into a rage that I may never recover from.  I'm sure your family loves you and will miss you when you are gone.  If I have to repeat my story to one more person, that person may not live to tell the tale.  Save yourself and go get KEVIN!!!  Of course then he said that Kevin could come tomorrow (I'M NOT WASTING ONE MORE DAY!!) and it was already window was 1-5pm.  Which is why he was here at 6:30pm.  They enjoy showing up 90 minutes past the window.  I know this.  I have done extensive research on this in the form of scheduling FOURTEEN VISITS!!!!!!!!!  Now in Kevin's defense, his company has only been on 6 of the 14 calls.  The previous visits were split between 4 different companies.  None of them spoke English, only Russian.  I, unfortunately, do not speak Russian.  It's not that I wouldn't LIKE to speak Russian, it just never came up.  As a child, had I have known that someday Russian would be imperative to the repair of my appliances, I would have sought books, tutors, scholars, to aid me in my quest.  But coulda, shoulda, woulda.   I have now come to discover that it isn't that Moscow has a huge billboard that says, "Go to America, Fix Appliance".  It's that 4 brothers own 4 repair companies.  They share one warehouse and start all of their companies w/ the letter A.  That way, when you Google or look them up in the phone book, their company is at the top.  (sorry, I'm having a hard time writing right now because for some reason, when thinking of Russia I want to talk in short, choppy sentences.  Like...come fix fridge.  Fridge no work.  Piece of crap.  What is borscht?  Is it just me?...oh no, wait...Just me.  That's better.)

Back to the pee.  SO, I've completely forgotten where I was in the story and I'm too damned tired to read what I wrote so here goes...window is 1pm-5pm.  At 2:30pm I get a call that he'll be here closer to 5pm.  Of course he will.  ~rolls eyes~  Now this screws up my program because I needed to go to my mom's house to do laundry.  (WHOLE OTHER OPRAH!!  Brand new Maytag washing machine is on the fritz, too!  Serenity NOW!)  AND mom was going to make dinner for me and the kids since hubby was working late.  Scratch all that, because now I have to make dinner for the kids and have no clue when hubby is going to get his panties washed.  (He doesn't really wear panties, that I know of.  I just use that phrase when I'm mad.  For example, "Don't get your panties in a bunch", "Calm down, you're running around here like your panties are on fire!"  It calms me.  It's an outlet.  What can I say?)  So it's a little after 5 and I finally have 2 seconds to pee.  I've had to pee for over an hour, but I've got 2 little kids so it's not always an option.  Wouldn't you know, JUST as I start to go...the phone rings.  It's the repairman, I just know it!!  If I don't answer, he won't come!! O.M.G.  I try to stop peeing...wth?...can't stop...too much pee...must get phone...STOP PEEING!!!!...I grab's in the way...MOVE ADAM!!!...OMG!!!...3rd ring...SONOFA$^%&*..."HELLO?!!"...this is when he tells me that he is Peter, NOT Kevin, and I go into my whole "Who do I have to sleep with to get Kevin here ON TIME?!!" shpeel.  (It was a dark day, my friends.  I'm not gonna lie to you.)  And now I'm thinking...why am I wet?...what's wet?...there's wetness...all while having this convo w/ Peter.  Then I realize O.M.G.  Did I just pee myself?  What THE...where's Adam?  What's that noise?...OMG!  Adam is in the bathroom, splashing in the toilet.  Water is everywhere.  Or is that pee?  O.M.G.  PLEASE, somebody knock me out.  I want to be unconscious RIGHT NOW.  Still having convo w/ Peter...washing Adam...changing MY OWN pants...cuz I peed myself, ya know...still having convo.  And now I'm shaking because I'm so pissed.  HA!  Yeah.  That phrase takes on a whole new meaning.

Thank God for mothers because I called my mom, she came and got the laundry, and took it to her house.  Peter showed up at 6:30pm, not knowing what sort of hell he was walking into.  Fortunately for him, I had my breakdown before he got here and was in some altered state of numbness by the time he showed up.  Post Traumatic Pee Disorder.  PTPD, for those in the industry.  So he installs the part while telling me that he's never done this before.  All I could muster was a "that's nice".  At least I still had my wits about me enough not to finish w/ a ..."I peed my pants." 


  1. OMG Shari....That has to be the funniest thing that I have ever read! Everytime I read "a day in the life of Shari" my day is brighter!! Your book will be a HUGE hit!!

  2. Now a third person has stopped by to say - what the heck are you laughing about... Thanks so much shari!
    - Monica

  3. as usual- very cleaver and entertaining!
    love you!!

  4. Hahahahaha.. OMG!! Only to you Shar, Only to y ou!! These things of course would only happen to you :) Oh how you entertain us so royally with your life and the (what I can only describe as) Captivating way you tell the story of your life. Labels: Motherhood, Pee, Rant.. lmao!!
    I love me some Shari.

  5. Misery really loves company because, aside from thinking this was a hilarious post, I am so relieved to hear of someone else (over the age of 4) peeing on themself. This never happened to me before I kids so just blame them.

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  7. O.M.G...... I laughed SO hard when I read this, my friend! I am SO sorry about your refrigerator woes, however you have a fantastic way of weaving the entire story - rants and all! Thank you for the HUGE laugh. Love ya, girl!!