There, but for Camille Grammer, go I.

It has come to my attention that there may be some things that I neglected to mention.  Not intentionally, I just didn't think about it until one night when a few friends close to the situation, pointed it out to me.  And then it hit me.  Like a TON. OF. BRICKS!...I could have been Camille Grammer.  True story.

So there I was...circa 1991, a fresh faced 21 year old, little Miss Sassy, doing my thang at the Red Onion.  That's a restaurant/nightclub that used to be the ONLY hang out in the area.  I was just dancing, enjoying a little Vanilla Ice, because... I mean...who doesn't?!  Am I right?! ;)   When this man comes up to me and says he has a friend who wants to meet me.  Hmmmm...interesante'.  So I was intrigued because this guy was dressed in a suit, and in a world full of Hammer pants, he stood out like a ho' in church.  When we got to the bar...who was sitting there?!  None other than KELSEY GRAMMER.  I kid. you. not.  This wasn't the tidy Kelsey of late.  This was the-last-season-of-Cheers-w/-the-long-straggly-hair-and-bad-coke-habit Kelsey.  Not attractive.  So did I maintain my composure, you ask?  Did I conduct myself as though this sort of thing was not unusual and happened to me all the time?  But of course I didn't.  My exact words were...~insert high shrill voice of a teenager~ "WELL LOOK WHO YOU ARE?!!!".  He glanced up at me over his drink and said in his sad, defeated voice, "Who am I?".  I said, "You're Frazier Crane!!".  So pretty much the romance died right there at the bar of the Red Onion.  He bought me a drink and I walked away.  ~whispers~  Foreverrrrrr. 

So, cut to me having drinks last week w/ some girlfriends and telling this story.  When I finished a few ladies where staring at me with their mouths open.  What?!  This is when they chastised me for not disclosing this tidbit of info on my blog.  Never occurred to me!!  But then I started putting the pieces together. Camille was a dancer...I was dancing!  Camille was a young 20's girl w/ big hair in the early 90's...I was a 21 year old, big-haired girl!  OMG!  So close!  Whew!  Kinda made me sweat for a second.  Dodged a bullet on that one, my friends!  Not saying that Kelsey is unattractive now, but back in the day...eeeek!  And I had no desire to be the drug addict's savior.  That's God's job, not mine. 
 
So thinking about all of my rantings and ravings about this hollowed out, shell of a woman (Camille, not me!), could this just be sour grapes?  The green-eyed monster having its way with me.  And it is entirely possible that I have suppressed and suppressed until it has shown itself in the form of beating her Botoxed, so-you-think-you-can-dance-but-not-without-a-pole, insecure self about the head & shoulders.  Maybe it is time to reflect.  Look SHARI in the eyes and see what's behind all of this Camille angst...aaaaaannnnnnd, we're done.  NOPE, no jealousy.  Just the overwhelming urge to slap her. :)  Thank you and goodnight.

Went to Super Target today, and I have some thoughts...

Numero uno!  Although I am pleased as punch about the new Super Target w/ the grocery store, pulling into the parking lot I spy a HUGE GRIEVANCE!!  All of the cart return thingies are in the front row of the parking lot.  WTH?!!  Which told me that there were no mothers on that planning board!!  So I have a 4 year old and an 80 lb. 17 month old (not really, but he feels like it) that I have to haul WITH my cart cover because...well, just because eeeewww!  So we park in the back because every mother knows that if you try to park near the front, some idiot will park so close to your car that you won't be able to get yourself, much less the kids and all the paraphernalia out!  The wind is blowing like a banshee and so I will admit that I had a bit of a 'tude going in.  I own that.  But does that mean I am wrong when I get inside the store and see Kim Kardashian staring at me from People magazine with the headline, "I thought I'd be married by now", and I give an audible, "Oh Kim, SHUT UP!".  When my daughter looked up at me I realized that was out loud and not in my head.  Although in glancing around, I got a few head nods as if to say, "Go on w/ your bad self, sista!".  So on I went. 

I do love me some Kim Kardashian, but that kind of whining I just can't tolerate.  Lucky for her I didn't see Marie Osmond on Oprah before I saw that cover.  I might have had to whip out a Sharpie.  (Why, you ask?  Oh...no reason. :)  )  Poor little Kim is 30 and thought she'd be married by now.  Well guess what, Kimmie?  I thought I'd be living in a mansion, getting paid to get facials and smile at parties. Oh no, wait...that's YOU! Life isn't fair, but you've gotten more than your share so maybe having to wait a few more years to be married ain't all that bad!  (FYI, if I start whippin' out the "aint's", it's time to duck.) 

I'd hate to have to add Kim to my prayer list alongside Camille Grammer.  Next thing you know, Kim will be married w/ 2 kids, 6 nannies, a butler, and Alice from Brady Bunch.  All I can suggest to Miss Kardashian is that she call 1 (800) waaaaaa, or maybe www.stopcryingyoupatheticbaby.com.  It's just pissing the rest of us off. 

Camille Grammer vs. Marie Osmond...

So today I watched the most recent installment of the Real Housewives of B.H. Or as I like to call it...Camille Is Bat Shit Crazy.  Immediately following that pitiful, hollowed out, train wreck, I watched Marie Osmond talking to Oprah about the death of her son.  And I cried...and cried...and cried.  I mean, seriously, you'd have thought I knew her.  Although I feel like I do in some way.  (I had her Barbie as a kid, so that's something.  She had a hole in her hand to hold the microphone, made me think of Jesus, although he didn't have a microphone, but I bet he could sing, I mean...Son of God...pretty good bet being able to sing was part of the package... and Donny had purple socks, but I digress.)  But what I knew were those pictures of those chubby little toddler cheeks, and those sweet, big eyes looking up at you...sniff, sniff...(ok, who am I trying to kid?!  I'm still bawling as I type this.)  Now THAT is a mom.  An amazing mother of 8 children who never had nannies, but honestly had a reason for one!  or FOUR!  A woman who is focused on what's important in life, although I wasn't a fan of the big upper lip, Marie!  You don't need a big upper lip!  You are beautiful just as you are, so stop it!  Lip plumping is ridiculous, and we all can see that it is fake, so it's not like anyone is thinking 'wow, look at those really full, sensuous lips'.  We are thinking..."Who the hell just whacked you in the mouth w/ a skillet?".  And who wants people to look at you and think that? Cuz then I'm thinking skillet, which leads to bacon, which leads to a BLT, but I'd have to make it on white bread because Kaitlyn won't eat the wheat, I hate to have to buy 2 loaves of bread for the house, she really needs to eat the wheat...and now I've just missed the last 5 minutes of what Marie's said and I have to rewind. 

The differences between these 2 women were so glaring after watching these shows back to back.  After Oprah I actually said out loud, "What a silly woman you are, Camille Grammer."  Sad and silly.  (and INSECURE!! HA!  There, I said it!  You projector!...projecter?...one who projects?...who is projecting upon others the things she feels about herself?...ANYWAY, you know who you are!) 

So I had a Target rant that I was going to unleash after I caught up on my shows, but Target will have to wait until later.  I was so full of emotion that I had to share.  I need to go hug my babies now.  Ugh...they are fighting...ok, butt swats and THEN hugging my babies. 

Let us all pray for Camille Grammer...

God bless her hard working soul.  This poor, unfortunate woman has it tough.  My heart truly goes out to her.  It's not that I think celebrities (she's married to Kelsey, in case you didn't know) don't have problems, I just didn't realize the magnitude of their problems.  How. Does. She. Do. It?  Well, I tell ya, she's an absolute inspiration to me.  Makes me so thankful that I don't have to try to handle 2 half-grown children with only 4 nannies and a house manager.  I was so happy to see that she was able to get away to Hawaii and get some alone time.  She looked stressed, and I'm sure she could use the rest...~tires screeching~

HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE, let me throw a BEATING in it!  (Sorry, the high school cheerleader in me came out of nowhere!  She does that when I'm overly excited.)  Is she kidding?  I know she's not, but I am ready to put a WWF-sized SMACKDOWN on this woman.  She needs to be absolutely ASHAMED of herself!!  Now I am blessed (that's what they tell me.) to be able to stay home with my children, and I only have 2, which contrary to the popular 80's t.v. show...IS ENOUGH!  But as crazy as these children make me, I would not be able to come up w/ enough stuff for TWO nannies, much less FOUR!  And my kidlets are 1 and 4!  If they were the ages of her kids, looks like 8 & 9ish, I'd be having a freakin' party! 

Other than make a sandwich and get some juice...what do these nannies do all day?  I tease about wanting a nanny, what mom doesn't.  I am known to use the phrases, "Where's the Nanny?", "Call the Nanny!", "I'm going to fire that freakin' Nanny!".  But in reality, I wouldn't let her take my kids to the doc...I want to be there.  I wouldn't let her get up with my kids in the middle of the night...they need their Mommy, and I need to see that they are ok.  I guess I'd let her change a diaper or two, maybe dish out some raisins and juice...that would be nice.  But mostly, I think my nanny would sit here while my kidlets nap so I can run to Target.  Not really worth paying someone for that.  I guess I could have Diaper Nanny, Juice Nanny, Sandwich Nanny, and Nose-Wipin' Nanny.  But do I really need this many people standing around staring at me?  Listening to me while I talk to myself?  ("Tell me you aren't going to do something, when Mommy tells you to.  You MOVE when I say move!  Who do they think they are talking to? I brought them into this world, and I can take them out!) I say NAY!  I like to keep 'crazy' behind closed doors, thankyouverymuch.

Maybe Camille is good for us REAL moms.  Those of us that wouldn't trade our kids for a million bucks, but wouldn't give you a nickel for another one.  The moms in the trenches who have to get the kids up, out the door...oops, the baby pooped...back in the house, change the diaper...out the door...forgot the lunchbox, pack the lunch...out the door...4 year old has to pee, unbuckle carseat, back in the house...out the door. ( I'm not really out the door yet but I could do this all day, and I have. So let's just stop here, shall we?)  If it weren't for Camille, to remind us what a great mom really looks like, we might just be floating aimlessly out in the world.  Camille has given us purpose!!  Focus!!  Drive!!  Yes, DRIVE...as in, "let's DRIVE to Camille's house and punch her in the face!"  I kid.  I wouldn't waste the gas.

But one can't help but wonder, when Camille is in her golden years...how many nurses will her children hire?