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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Happy Birthday, Smelly Cat!

Now, I love my husband...don't get me wrong.  BUT, what is the dealio with greeting cards these days?!  I am BEYOND frustrated.  I go to get him a birthday card and heaven help me, but I'm in that freakin' aisle for 30 minutes!!  Every card says, "To the man I love...",  yeah...ok,  I do love him,  but what is this...Days of Our Lives?!  "For the one who makes my life complete...", "I never knew love could feel this way..." (ok, that one is kinda true cuz sometimes it really blows),  "If someone would have told me that in the ocean of love I would meet someone as great as you ...".  Oh dear LORD, I'm nauseous over here!  Can't you just say, "Hey buddy, love ya more than my luggage, and I'm forever grateful that I don't have to go on any more loser dates.  If you could see it in your heart to keep the farting to a minimum, I'd be forever grateful.  Happy Birthday!".  As I was talking to these ridiculous cards at Target, I noticed some young 20-somethings picking out 'Love' cards.  I'm sure I burst a few bubbles as I'm repeatedly saying, "Oh PUUUHHHLEEEZ!", with a fussy baby in the cart and a 4 year old singing her version of Preschool Musical.  Well, consider it my Public Service Announcement.  Someone has to break it down for these ladies.  It ain't all hearts and roses.  Most often it's butts and sippy cups.  IN that order. 

Sidebar:  I was shopping at Nordstrom's last week and the salesgirl was about 22 years old.  She was talking about her boyfriend who only liked to travel w/ the amount of stuff he could fit into his backpack. (I'm thinking, "What, is he NINE?!  That's not a man, that's a boy!)  She was trying to convince him to go to either Hawaii or to Italy with her.  THEN Salesgirl says, "Yeah, I told him I'd pay because otherwise we'd never go.  He would never spend money like that on me."   That's when my mouth flew open.  As if it was separate from my body.  I jumped my little (shut up!) self,  right into that girl's beeswax and said, "Aaah, little tip from one who dated for 17 years before finding Mr. Right...if he won't spend money on you NOW, he never will.  If you want to dish out that kind of money, take one of your girlfriends with you.  You will have a much better time and you will never regret it."  Wish you could have seen the look on her face.  It's like the clouds parted and she saw the light for the first time! And then, like Spiderman fading into the night, I was gone.  My work here was done.  Now back to our regularly scheduled program...

I truly think that the people who wrote these cards are not married.  That should be a requirement.  And I'm talking married for like 5 years, at least!  If you've only been married for a couple of years then you can work in the Engagement Dept., or in Newlyweds.  You cannot work in the Anniversary Dept!  And I believe that Mr. Hallmark needs to separate the Anniversary Dept. into smaller divisions, one being cards for couples married less than 5 years...let's call it the Isn't Love Grand Dept.

Next, we have the section for couples who have been married for 5-10 years w/ young children, entitled Love is Great but I'd Rather Sleep Dept.  (This is my dept. :) )  For those who have been married from 10-20 years, Who Does a Girl Gotta Sleep With To Get Some HELP Around This House!?! Dept.   And for those fantastic couples who have made it 20+ years we have the I'm Too Tired To Tell You You're An Idiot Dept.  ~cue music~ "...there is loooooooove....therrrrrre...iiiiiissss...looooooooooove."


  1. Hehe, Hallmark needs you fo sho!! I love that this is tagged under 'rants' and that is the highest number of all the tags on the right hand side. :)

  2. Greeting cards and fortune cookies, you are so funny You poor girl, the place in heaven that have reserved just to have to tolerate that man. It is getting to the point that you will have to take a domestic flight just to get a TSA agent to fondle you.

  3. There should be one for the 50+ years (small dept I must add!) that says "Till death do we part, one of us should be free pretty soon...."

  4. Having just celebrated my 25th anniversary a couple of days ago, I am amazed that you could put into words the feelings I had while searching for a card...thank you!