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Tuesday, August 24, 2010

STOP THE PRESSES!!

There is currently a phenomenon taking place across America and your roving reporter is here to bring it to you!  Don't be fooled by media propaganda!  The recession is apparently all in our imaginations, because although "my call is very important" to them, they are "currently experiencing high call volumes & longer wait times".   Who is 'them' you ask?  Well, apparently it is EVERYONE!  EVERY flingin' flangin' company from here to the Appalachians is experiencing 'high flippin' call volume'!  Phone company, cable company, refrigerator repairman, and even freakin' QVC!! (Yeah, I said QVC!  So what?!  Wanna fight? I Q...do you?)  So business must be good, huh?  Since everybody seems to be so busy!  Or are the millions who are out of work sitting at home on the phone calling these companies because they are lonely and need someone to talk to?  Here's a thought...how about HIRING some of these out of work Americans to man your phones?!!  Seems to be a desperate need, unless you think it is good customer service to keep a woman on HOLD FOR 25 MINUTES WHO HAS 2 LITTLE KIDS?!!!!!!  Oh, and don't think I didn't write your name down MR. DAVID, aka Customer Care Specialist?!!!  I got your specialist right here!!

And I'm breathing...I'm breathing...release...relent...relinquish...recoil...rebar...wth?... reheat?...ok, moving on!  I'm not an idiot. (Shut up!)  I know they are not really experiencing a 'high volume of calls'.  They've just laid off 80% of their staff and are leaving the normal volume of calls up to Skippy and Mr. David, Customer Care Specialist.  So just don't lie to me.  That's what ticks me off!  When that freakin' recording says OVER and OVER that I'm special, they love me, the sun rises and sets on me...blah, blah, blah, it makes me want to HURT SOMEONE.  Meanwhile, I've got a crick in my neck from wiping butts and making peanut butter sandwiches w/ the phone in my ear!  I would much rather hear the truth..."Due to the fact that business is currently sucking, we've got 2 teenagers w/ attitudes who'd rather be anywhere but here (and have no authority to solve your problems) answering our phones because we only have to pay them in sandwiches and Jamba Juice.  We've asked them to please give a crap and speak as though they don't have a mouth full of marshmallows and are on triple the legal dose of Valium, but they are teenagers, what can ya do?!  Please rest assured that when business improves, we will hire even more teenagers because let's be honest, they are cheap and we really want to make as much money as possible at the customer's expense.  Thank you for your patience, now go shit in a hat." :)

2 comments:

  1. Hilarious. Sorry you had to wait but this made be chuckle.

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  2. Oh, sister - I can relate! Thanks for saying everything I'm feeling every single friggin' time I call any company. It burns me even more b/c I don't have a land line anymore - cell only. Listening to a recording about how important I am pisses me off even more because I keep thinking about how many cell minutes they just stole from me. :(

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